my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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