My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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