I am puke
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
