I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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