who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize