You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
