drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
