i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
