my sisters under your porch take her home
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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