i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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