You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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