Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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