Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
