I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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