Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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