So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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