what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
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