Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
