Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Pants are for mortals
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
