so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Found the puke drawer
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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