The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
