Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Randomize
