I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Randomize
