Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
