yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
