I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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