You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
