at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
