I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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