Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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