I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
