My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
