Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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