I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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