me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
