I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
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