Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
this hospital has no fireball
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
