You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize