One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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