Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
