it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
