You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
