so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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