This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
