I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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