By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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