I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
