Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
