I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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