im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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