Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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