Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
