I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
