Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
