She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
