dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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