He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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