Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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