I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
