Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
