This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
