She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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