I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I looked at my own cervix.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
