i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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