I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
handjob tips. give me some.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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