Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
