I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
