There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
this will be a night to untag.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
