My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
