Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
