I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
